No Regrets
by amaltia
Summary: A man who has no more reason to live, has every single reason to fight. Goku's POV, his struggles to adjust to a world he has never seen before. Goku's search for love, or something of the sort. [Completed]
1. Introduction

** Warning: ** This story contains MALE/MALE relationships, mentioned semi-UNCONSENSUAL SEX in chapter one, and possible LEMON scenes (again with people of the  same gender!! Homophobes or little innocent kids or people who can't stomach this or think they might not be able to, please hit the BACK button. Read at your own risk! Do not bug the author, for I have warned you!   
The intro may seem innocent enough, but chapter one is not! Got it? 

**Disclaimer: ** Saiyuki is (c)Kazuya Minekura, Enix Co., Tv Tokyo, etc. I do not claim to own any of these characters, though the views expressed within my story are my own. All original characters and ideas in this story are (c)kitsune-oni (userid:289468), and use of my stories and/or any original plots, themes or characters will not be tolerated. This disclaimer applies to the entire story, "No Regrets". 

** A/N: **This was originally a one shot piece but then (as usual) I got an idea. I honestly didn't want to start posting this fanfic. (My muse has gone wild since school has finished) I planned on writing and not posting until I have more free time. But I want to see what you guys think. I will *not* be updating often, because I have three other stories that must be finished first and besides that I have summer vacation.   
This first chapter is just Goku's thoughts on Sanzo. This whole fanfic is from Goku's POV. It will not end up as SxG, I can promise that.   
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

** Introduction **   
~`~`~`~` 

I've been watching your back for a long time, seen it steadily go farther and farther out of my reach. I called out to you, but you couldn't hear, so now I watch you from behind.

I have always admired you. You were always first at everything, always beneath the spotlight while I hid in the shadows. You are still like that today, and always will be. I don't know how you do it.

I remember when we first met you pulled me out of the darkness and shone like a sun, a guiding light, just for me. It was sunny, that day, when you came into my life. I had been sitting in a dark cave for many years, forced to stare at the bright world outside through the bars of my prison. I'd try to reach out and touch the light, but my arm would always fall short. Then you walked in, and gave me your hand, and, just like that, all the chains holding me down broke as if made of glass.

Another day, when I was lost and it started raining, you came looking for me, blond hair plastered down on your pale face, even though I knew how much you hated rain; that endless drizzle that brought back dark memories buried beneath your past. I heard the other monks talking about it once - how you couldn't save your master from being killed when the demons attacked during the storm. But these things happen; it wasn't your fault. 

You try to be gruff and aloof, cruel and distant, but I can see through your act, peer at your soul - a burning gem of love and warmth beneath that cold disguise. I've seen how you smile at me when you think I'm not looking, how your amethyst eyes crinkle up with laughter and joy. That is the person I admire. That is the person I love. 

You must have grown tired of me, of my endless bickering, constant whines… or maybe you just moved on with your life, racing ahead with your usual rapid pace. I've tried to catch up, but that moment, when we walked side by side, is lost in time. 

So now I've resigned myself to admiring you from behind, and watch you succeed in life. I have no regrets, I just wanted to let you know that someone here is cheering for you. 


	2. That Night

** Warning: ** Same warning as before applies. Mentioned semi-nonconsensual sex in this chapter. 

** A/N: ** I am sorry if chapter one is short. Please review and tell me what you think. I don't know whether to continue or not. I also have no time so I won't update soon, sorry.  
~~~~~

** Chapter 1 **   
~`~`~`~` 

I was naïve, but not for long. My cheers soon fell silent when I discovered your true nature. I still cannot believe how long you beguiled me…

You came into my room, that night, accompanied by the rain, with a strange expression on your face. You seemed angry, lonely, tired, and bored all at the same time, each emotion flicking across your countenance as you blinked.

I remember how that sneer curled around you like a lazy cat as you stared down at me, and the budding hopes that you were finally returning to walk by my side were immediately quenched. Then the smirk disappeared and, as if it had never been there, you gave me a friendly smile. I began to hope again, and grinned back.

"You know what, Goku?" You whispered softly, sending shivers down my spine. I shook my head and half-smiled. I loved how you said my name so slowly that both syllables were distinct, making it sound sensual, enticing. "It has taken me all this time to realize that I love you."

Everything seemed to be in slow motion, and the sound of your voice was distorted, making it seem alien and unfriendly, but nonetheless the words themselves were not suited to your tongue.

I love you: three simple yet profound words that, no matter how much I tried to ignore, should have never been said by you. The very fact that you said them made them seem false, dangerous. I knew what you wanted. Even Gojyo, who professes to be straight, has looked at me with lust-filled eyes several times. Did you not wonder why I'd pick a fight with him for apparently no reason at all? Or did you not even notice?

You launched yourself towards me, pinning me down on the bed and kissing me, hungrily, passionately, roughly. With quick, expert hands, you tore off my clothes and explored my body, touching sacred places no one had lain hand on before. The strange thing is, I let you do it. I felt nothing but cold indifference and pain as you thrust into me and climaxed, breathing heavily in my ear. Have you ever done that? Let someone just use your body? Strange hands caress you; a foreign mouth licks and nibbles your skin, savoring the unique taste. 

Consented rape is worse then murder. No one is killed, but a life is destroyed. How difficult it is for the living dead to truly live once more. Many prefer suicide. 

Only afterwards, when you stood up, sneered down at me once more, and drawled, "I really needed some entertainment," did anger blossom in my heart. Only after, when you slung your clothes on and walked out, just like that, without seeing whether I was okay or not, did I truly begin to hate you. 

The door closed and I lay there silently, a trembling, naked, bakazaru. Sanzo's pet no longer. 


	3. My Life

** Warning: **None needed for this chapter. 

** A/N: ** Thank you to: [**yoong, chris, aspara, gallatica**] for reviewing. Last update before I leave on vacation. I am leaving for vacation and will only be able to update on June 10th. Sorry for the long wait... here's a rather long chapter 2 for compensation. Sorry if it sucks a little. Promise the next chapter will be better!!   
Thoughts are in italics. Ok, first person POV - all thoughts, but I mean when they are thinking right at the moment... And as for the pairing... can't tell! It's going to be Goku/? and also Sanzo/? and maybe some other stuff... but can't say anything. You'll find out soon enough. It might be a bit of a surprise, though.   
~~~~~

** Chapter 2 **   
~`~`~`~` 

I only had two options after that. Either to stay with you and continue traveling, enduring embarrassment, fear, humiliation… or run away. Neither sounded promising. I think I would have been much more willing to run away had there not been Gojyo and Hakkai to think about. Those two… they were great friends. They were real friends. All this time, when they deserved my utmost loyalty, I had given it to you, heartless bastard. 

But in the end I really did not have a choice. My pride would not let me stay. And so I picked myself off the bed and dressed with trembling hands, trying to ignore the pain that racked my body. In a way, I still could not believe you had raped me. Maybe it'd be better to say you used me. 

In a last act of kindness towards you I did something you did not deserve. I erased every single sign of what had happened, so at least Gojyo and Hakkai wouldn't know about it. Later I realized that I might have done that to salvage my wounded pride. It seemed so weak of me to loose like that, to let you just use me. 

I picked up my stuff and was about to open the door, when I realized that I couldn't run away. Maybe my pride would not let me stay, but it would not let me run away like a coward either. I decided to wait until the morning, and then go, let you watch me turn my back on you and show how independent I could be. Somehow it seemed much more courageous to just stand up and leave in front of you, just like that, then to run away in the middle of the night. 

It would have been really easy to slip out. You were asleep by then, and Gojyo was probably off in some bar or in some girl's bed. Hakkai didn't even count. Every time Gojyo went out with a girl, he would shut himself off in his room and sulk. Did you ever notice that? Or were you too busy preening your own ego? Gojyo doesn't deserve Hakkai, but since the healer loves him so much I hope Hakkai gets the courage to confess. 

I lay down on the bed and closed my eyes. "So this is it." I murmured to myself. The words were definite, almost scary. There was finality in my tone that reminded me of death. "The end of my journey to the west." And then I fell asleep. 

When I woke up several hours later, Hakkai was knocking politely at my door and reminding me that breakfast would be served soon. _ Breakfast… _My stomach grumbled audibly. 

"Alright Hakkai, I'm coming!" I stood up and picked up all my stuff, and then whispered softly to myself, "I'll teach him to use me." Then, a bitter smile on my face, I headed downstairs. 

"Goku, we're over here!" Hakkai called from a table in the far corner. The healer was sitting next to you, and you had your head buried in a newspaper. 

_ Acting as if nothing has happened, eh Sanzo? Do you feel guilty yet? Or still satisfied? _ You lowered your paper by one inch so you could glance at me for a brief second. When I smirked at you, you began to read once more. I sat down quietly and began to stuff myself, arguing with Gojyo with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. 

"Hey bakazaru, something wrong?" Gojyo cocked an eyebrow when I didn't respond as vehemently as he expected me to. My heart gave a sharp pang when I heard my nickname, and I forced a sleepy smile.

"I'm a little tired."

"Oh." That seemed to satisfy the kappa.

I ate quickly, and ordered more. When you glared at me, I lifted an eyebrow, "You haven't paid me yet." You avoided the other two curious glances at our table and let me eat as much as I wanted. I saw the Gold Three Buddha's card on the table, and was tempted to steal it, but I couldn't. _ What will Gojyo and Hakkai do when you guys continue traveling, if I steal it? _

You stood up when I emptied all the plates and muttered your usual, "Let's get going." I followed Hakkai and Gojyo quietly out to Jeep, and then watched them jump in.

"Bakazaru!" Gojyo saw me still standing, "Aren't you coming?"

"No." I heard myself calmly reply. How proud I was at that moment! My voice did not break and sounded determined, strong, and courageous, though a touch bitter.

"Get in the car." Your voice was low, dangerous.

"What are you doing?" Gojyo added incredulously.

"I'm leaving." And then I turned my back on you and walked away, in to the forest. You were left there, in the middle of the road, like an idiot - staring after me with a mix of awe and anger on your face. After a while I think you were amused, but I could not be sure. I did not turn back to look at you. That would have been weak. It would have ruined my departure.

When the shadows of the trees completely swallowed me up, I began to run. And, for no reason at all, drops of memories began to trace their way down my cheeks. I increased my pace as my breathing did, until I was sprinting, running away from you. _ I know of the infinite number of times you would come looking for me in my empty rooms… I know of your essence, your scent, which belongs only to me… We are indivisible, equal and fragile. And yet we are already so far away from each other…_

With a frozen mind I ran away from you, tied as we are by the same cruel fate that cuts in to us. I continued to cry until my breath came in short, sharp gasps and I was forced to stop. I hate it when I cry. I cry when I shouldn't; when I am angry, frustrated…hurt…alone. I wiped the tears away angrily, and remembered how you used to sneer when you'd see me crying. "People use tears as weapons," you once said. I wonder what made you so bitter. 

_I won't ever cry again._ I told myself mentally. Tears continued to fall and I repeated over and over in my head: _stop crying, stop crying, stop crying. _ Finally, little by little, the tears dried up. Without knowing it, I had walled my heart in, changed it to stone. 

I straightened and looked around. I did not know where to go. West was out of the question. And yet it seemed such a waste of time to head back east. I felt lost, confused, forlorn… is this how people who stay alone all the time feel? Or is this how it feels to be betrayed? You would not know the answer, I am sure. You made sure no one ever got close to you, close enough to hurt. 

I decided to head north and began to walk, ignoring the gnawing, constant ache of hunger. _I am not hungry,_ I thought to myself, and my stomach stopped grumbling. I suddenly recalled doing something very similar after having been imprisoned in Mt. Gogyo. At least this time, I wouldn't have to go 500 years without food.

During the evening, I was passing by a small clearing when I heard some laughter and smelt something cooking. I inched closer, timid, and saw a girl sitting at a fire, warming her hands. She seemed to be about my age, maybe a little bit younger. She looked up when she heard me and smiled in my direction, trying to see me.

"Come on out!" She called, beckoning. Hesitant, I stood at the tree for a while, and then I joined the girl. She looked me over and her face softened immediately, green eyes locking with mine. "I recognize you." 

"What?" I looked down at her, and my stomach grumbled. It would only open in the presence of food.

She laughed softly and tucked a stray strand of shoulder length brown hair behind her ear, "Come and eat with me. I know what you are."

"What?" I repeated, sitting down near the girl.

"You are someone who has suffered terribly." I looked up to see if she was joking, but her face was completely serious. "I have suffered too, and I know how it feels. You must be strong. Do not let it stop you from smiling, you hear me?" She smiled again, "Smiling is the only thing that makes us happy in this bitter world."

She then changed the topic and served me some food, and I didn't press her. After we had eaten, she looked at me and reached out to touch my face gently. I flinched under her touch. She sighed. "Such old eyes on a young body. Such a bitter face." She quickly set up two beds and led me to one. Sitting on hers, she spoke softly, "Don't forget how to smile."

I found it a little irritating how she kept telling me to smile. There was nothing to smile about, anyway, so I ignored her comment. Instead of replying, I asked, "What's your name?"

She seemed to examine me for a while, before nodding to herself, "My birth-name is unimportant. I call myself Sora."

"Like the sky?" I asked. She nodded. "What do you mean, by your birth-name?"

"It is the name my parents gave me." Sora sneered when she mentioned her kin, "But I have started a new life and have broken all ties with the past. I only give my birth-name to those I don't trust. Sora is my soul name, my true name."

"Why do you trust me?"

Her response was brief: "Because you have suffered like I have."

We sat in silence for a while before I ventured to ask, "Why did you choose the name Sora?"

The girl smiled, "Because everyone always used to say that the sky was the limit, yet my life was composed of limits - what time I had to be home at, how well I had to do in school, how I should address my parents… I changed my life. I ran away. I am my own limit. And if I am the sky, maybe I have no limits at all."

"My name is Son Goku. That is all I have… I'd like to have my own soul name, a special name only people I trust could know."

"Well," Sora seemed impatient, "Choose one! Take the name of that which inspires you the most! Or what you love the most."

"The sun…" I said softly, and then I shook his head.

"Taiyou? Why not, that'd suit you very well. You have huge, golden eyes that remind me of the sun. It is a strong name."

"No, I can't. It reminds me of my past too much." 

The girl did not seem discouraged, and she simply gestured vaguely. "Think of something else then. It doesn't have to literally mean anything! You could just like it! But," she added thoughtfully, "it should mean something special to you." 

I sat there quietly and thought about it. Many words passed through my head, but none seemed quite right. 

"Just tell me what you think. Sometimes when you say them aloud it helps."

"The first one I thought of was Yurusenai." I admitted softly.

"Unforgivable? That's too bitter. You mustn't have regrets."

"How about 'won't loose', Makenai?" But then we shook our heads. It just didn't suit me. "Kowai [scary]? Abunai [dangerous]? Yuuki [courage]?"

"No." Sora shook her head. "Well think about it. I'm a bit tired. I'll go to sleep. It was nice meeting you." I did not ask how she knew that I planned to leave long before she woke up. I could not stay and create more ties. It was my life, and I didn't want to share it with anyone. Not just yet... A thought struck me.

"Sora…?" I whispered softly. She turned to face me. "I have decided. My soul name is Jinsei."

"Life…" she whispered softly, a soft smile on her face. "A good choice. Good bye then, Jinsei."

"Good bye." I curled up in to a small ball and fell asleep, smile on my face. I had my own name. I could begin my new existence. 

To Be Continued... 


	4. Again

** Warning: **Again! I'm so sorry! But if I warn you, I ruin the surprise... Well if you read all the warnings at the begining you should be fine. 

** A/N: ** First of all sorry for the mistake. I wrote June 10th everywhere, it seems, instead of July 10th. Simple enough mistake, ok? *pouts*   
Love the ending of this chapter... so depressing and typically me!!   
So thanks for the reviews, [**gallatica, aspara, chris, MissyIrene**]. Irene! Irish name yay! ^^ Wish more people would read this though. *author's overambitious plans collapse*. I guess it's the R-rating, right? I just wasn't sure if it was ok for PG13, what do you think? HELP ME...  
  
~~~~~

** Chapter 3 **   
~`~`~`~` 

I woke up as the sun began its ascent over the sky. Quickly I packed my stuff and, after mouthing a silent thank-you to the still sleeping Sora, I was on my way.

I felt grateful to have met someone so similar to me. Sora had been nice and kind, even compassionate - unlike you. She had helped me begin my new life. 

_New life…_ I grimaced to myself as I walked, still heading north, _how self confident that sounds. How arrogant. We only have one life; we cannot make a new one._ But I already knew that. My soul name symbolized it - life. That one tiny word, my new soul name, summed up everything a person needed to know.

_Life. I am alive. I will live my life to the fullest. My soul name will serve as a reminder to never forget how to live._ I stopped walking when a breeze sprang up and inhaled deeply. Maybe my soul name was the only thing that kept me tied to reality. 

_Jinsei, Jinsei, Jinsei._ I repeated it over and over in my mind, rolling the word on my tongue, savoring its honey sweet flavor. The shadow of a smile began to light up my face - my first attempt after having left you. _Maybe...maybe Sora was right about smiling._

Loud, raucous cries drove the feeble smile back to the furthest edge of my soul, and my heart hardened once more. I pulled Nyoibou out and slid in to a fighting stance, waiting. Within seconds I was surrounded by demons, a whole horde of them; fifty at least. I stood my ground warily as they examined me. Most of them had a hand resting easily on their sword hilts.

"Hey Captain!" one of them finally spoke up, turning away from me to scan the crowd. On one side the youkai parted to let someone pass. "Pretty-boy here doesn't smell human!"

"Oh really?" the speaker stepped in to my line of vision. He was tall and had orange shoulder length hair, and, unlike the others, he was wearing what seemed to be a uniform. He gave me a shrewd, calculating look.

"Get out of my way!" I growled.

"Calm down!" the Captain snapped, not at me but at his subordinates, who were outraged by the way I had addressed him. "Look here, boy," I bristled defensively at the last word, "I'm sorry if we gave you a poor welcome. Why don't you just stay with us for a while, at our camp? It's not too far from here."

Judging from the tension in the air I knew it was impossible to refuse. I nodded cautiously and said, "Thank you. I'll stay just for tonight."

"That's great!" the youkai slung an arm around my shoulders and began to lead me to the camp, "You can call me Okatouji, or just Captain. What's your name?"

I didn't hesitate, "Goku."

"Captain?" the youkai that had called him over moved closer.

"Yes, Noko?"

"You…ahh…promised…"

"I know. I think you're ready for a reward. You'll be first." The two exchanged a meaningful glance over my head, and I examined Okatouji.

_I was right not to tell him my soul name. I must remain alert._It was with this thought in mind that I walked towards danger.

They gave me some dinner - a type of roasted meat whose origins I didn't question. At least I was sure it wasn't human. Okatouji took my backpack and with it went all my supplies: the extra pair of clothing, the food I'd gathered…Hakkai's old, broken monocle… a lock of Gojyo's flame-like hair…

He hid it away for safekeeping, or so he said. The Captain suggested that I rest in his tent until they set up one for me, and I curled up in to a small ball and fell asleep, exhausted.

I woke up groggily a few hours later and crawled over to the entrance to see what was happening. I was about to exit when I heard two voices mutter to each other right outside the tent. I froze.

"Noko gets to be first. It's not fair!" a deep, rough voice rumbled. "It'll be five at a time in the tent and I'm in the third group! He'll be long dead by then."

"Five at a time, right…so that means…" the second voice was rather high-pitched and grated on my nerves. Several minutes of silence ensued while the idiotic youkai did some difficult calculations, "Uh… yeah! Ten groups!"

"Glad you got there in the end!" the first one said mockingly. "What group did you get?"

"Ninth."

The first demon roared with laughter, "You won't have a go at all then! At least I can hope; he seems pretty strong."

"Yeah." The idiot sounded as gloomy as is possible for someone with a shrilly voice, "And him being so sexy too. Maybe if I help Captain enough, he'll let me rape the next traveler we catch first."

"Fat chance…" the other muttered, but I was no longer listening.

Rape - is that all I was useful for? The past surged up and began to replay. You, nibbling my ear, my neck, leaving a trail of saliva down my abdomen. You, teasingly licking one nipple, then the other, reaching down between my legs and squeezing lightly…

I had closed my eyes as if I could pretend nothing was happening, closing them to reality, to pain…

"Open your fucking eyes!" You had snarled. "I want to see your soul as it looses innocence." But you had not been satisfied. I only lost my innocence when you closed the door behind you. And in its place grew hatred.

Suddenly the two demons came in and led me over to one side of the camp, where a small tattered tent had been set up. They babbled explanations that fell upon deaf ears. I simply followed them and offered no resistance, mind and heart frozen, eyes weary.

Maybe this is my purpose in life, I thought as Noko grabbed me and threw me on the hard single bed. I barely noticed the excited jeers of the other four demons as Noko began to paw me, a young -innocent?- boy.

"Hey pretty boy," Noko murmured in my ear, and I was vaguely surprised he wanted to talk before he had even taken off my clothes, "You smile and I'll go easy on you." "Fuck y-" was all I managed to get out before the youkai cuffed me heavily on my head, making my ears ring.

Noko sneered, "I always did like a fight better." Then he was on top of me, groping, forcing his tongue in to my mouth so hard that I gagged. He began to tear at my shirt, and when his hand touched my skin I snapped and bit down angrily.

"The bloody bastard!" One of the demons exclaimed as he saw Noko stagger back, clutching his mouth and flecking blood everywhere. I realized then that he was talking about me.

_A hypocrite - that's all I am! I give myself a special soul name to remind myself to life, and then at the first obstacle I accept defeat!_ With cold fury I pulled out Nyoibou and slashed wildly until no one was left standing. Then I stood there, panting and dripping blood that did not belong to me. 

"Why you-" I whirled around and saw Noko stagger to his feet.

For a moment I blinked in genuine surprise, "I thought I'd killed you." The cold mask descended once more and I raised Nyoibou to smash the youkai's head. 

And the second before he exploded in to dust, when he glanced up at me in utter agony with a hole through his head, I pretended his face was yours. 

To Be Continued... 


	5. Scorpion

** Warning: ** Some violence and more bitterness. 

** A/N: ** Miracle update! Next one in August sometime, can't say when. Thanks for reviews everyone!  
**chinoz:** *gives award for faster reviewer ever* You seem to read my mind in what I am planning to do... I agree about Kou having honor, he is kakkoiiii!! But maybe Sanzo does deserve someone who makes _him_ suffer... *evil laugh*   
**ShiTiger:** I'm glad someone is interested in this very confusing and depressing story!! *beams happily* Here's another update for you, sorry you'll have to wait a while for the next one... *gives chocs*   
**labrynth:** I really like SxG, but there are soo many fics with that pairing! I'm glad you enjoy the Goku angst because I enjoy writing it! Thanks for the compliments, I don't deserve them... *blushes & gives chocs*   
**chris:** I'm not planning on Goku's diadem breaking, though it might pop out later on in the story. Well... I did have an idea... but you'll have to see! *smug grin* And about Goku being bitter and hard - wouldn't you be in the same situation? *gives chocs*   
**bleit:** Sorry to dissapoint you but (as I said in the beginning) this is not SxG, I'm trying out different pairings. I'm glad I'm helping you out for school... I'll need a good story in September to keep me going... *shudders & gives chocs*   
**aspara:** I don't know why Goku didn't beat up the demons. I tried but it just didn't come out. Maybe he didnt want to start his new existance with a blood bath? Maybe he was still in shock. *shrug* Thanks for reviewing! *gives chocs*   
**gallatica:** I can't help how bitter Goku is becoming... I mean, how would you feel in his situation? I guess this story is also a reflection of me at the moment... I'm feeling a little bit bitter about certain aspects of my life. But I'll just eat some chocolate and get over it!! ^^About the rating, I'm not sure if so far anything should be R or if it's ok as PG13. *sigh* Hope you enjoy this chapter! *gives chocs*   
~~~~~

** Chapter 4 **   
~`~`~`~` 

I had to run away again, but this time I'd be leaving everything behind. All my keepsakes were hidden away somewhere in the camp, far out of my reach.

Rape, runaway. Rape, runaway. Life was one continuous circle repeating itself over and over until death came lovingly to break the chain. But I would never hasten its arrival; my soul name did not permit that.

Okatouji suddenly entered the tent, sending me in to a fighting stance. He stood there silently for a moment, eyeing the mess. Then he addressed me with a smirk, "I suspected as much when I didn't hear any noise."

"Get out of my way!" I growled at him for the second time that day.

"You're a pretty good fighter," he continued, ignoring my outburst, "and have done me a big favor."

"What?" His comment caught me off-guard.

"Noko was getting too ambitious… ideas above his station." The Captain said delicately. "Why don't you join us?"

I looked at him suspiciously, "What's in it for me?"

Okatouji gestured at the tent, "Nothing like this, of course. You fight for me and I pay you. I tell you what to do. No questions asked."

"So you're a mercenary army? Who do you work for?"

"We fight for ourselves. You'd be the only mercenary here, but you're good and we need strong fighters. The others have their own reasons for staying."

To fight… I had realized, moments before, that killing filled the void within me, made me forget those pangs similar to the ones of hunger but not so easily quelled.

"I'll fight," I said, "and you feed me. I don't need money."

"Is that a deal?" the Captain spat on his hand and held it out.

"I won't take any crap. I can leave when I want to. I will be left alone."

"Agreed, but you might have to beat the "left alone" part in to some heads." Okatouji smiled slyly and I nodded. I spat on my hand and grasped his outstretched one, sealing the pact by mingling fluids.

We walked out together and I eyed the groups of youkai loitering around the tent. They seemed surprised and even disappointed to see me, and glanced at Okatouji for explanations.

"Change of plans." The Captain said clearly, "He's joining us."

One youkai indicated the tent with his head, "And Noko?"

"Dead." Was Okatouji's flat reply. This seemed to impress many of the youkai there, because their glances sent my way were now mingled with caution. The Captain turned to me; "I suppose you can sleep in that tent, if you feel like cleaning it up. If not," he shrugged, "you make your own, share with someone else, or kick someone out of theirs." He then walked off and left me facing the youkai, who licked their lips.

I walked over to one of the demons, and examined him: he was quite tall, taller than me by about twenty centimeters, and seemed to be solely made up of muscles. His skin had a rather brown cast, as if he had not washed himself recently. He leered at me suggestively, and when he opened his mouth a row of straggly yellow teeth were exposed. He eyed me and said, "Want to share a tent with me?" 

"No. You're too ugly." I coolly responded, deciding to use him as an example. The other youkai roared with laughter and threw snide remarks our way, while the demon flushed angrily. Some of the demons openly began to bet on the outcome.

My opponent snarled, "I'll teach you to insult me, little sniveling brat!"

"Go get him, Hiru!"

_So this brute,_ I thought coldly, _is called Hiru… a short name to match his small brain._ I easily dodged his clumsy attack and jumped over him. With a rapid punch to the back of his head, I sent him flying several meters before he slammed in to the ground and broke his nose, staining the grass with a stream of blood.

_Red and green,_ I thought, like Christmas. But the feelings in this situation were not the joyful ones of the famous celebration. It was as if Christmas was being seen through a mirror, and everything beautiful had an ugly reflection. But maybe that's how life really was. After all, I used to think you were beautiful…

"Can't even beat up a little kid?" The youkai who had egged Hiru on laughed and brought me back to reality. The jeer made Hiru even more furious, and when he stood up once more it was obvious that he was not going to mess around any more.

"I am going to kill you." He said flatly, and a sudden silence covered the clearing. The tension, however, increased so much that when I closed my eyes for a brief second I could hear it hum.

As Hiru approached me slowly, menacingly, the crowd around us formed a closed circle and watched us with eager expressions. Everything depended on the outcome of the fight.

Swiftly, he lumbered towards me and tried to knock me over, but I only slid backward a few paces. The circle of youkai around us closed even tighter, so that I could see the hungry gleam in their eyes.

Hiru pulled out his sword and slashed out at me, but I sidestepped once more. All his succeeding thrusts met the same fate, and after a fifth attempt I sneered, "Do you like hitting empty air?"

"Shut up." He was panting now, sweat trickling down his body as he tried to hit me. He raised the sword above his head and swung down, and this time I parried him with Nyoibou. We stared at each other for a few moments as he heaved down on the sword with all his weight, until a strange cracking noise was heard.

I glanced up in surprise and saw that the sword was breaking from the strain, and at that moment it broke in half. One shard flew past my cheek, leaving a long, thin scratch. Hiru took advantage of my surprise and pulled out a dagger, trying to stab me in the stomach, but I moved out of the way and grabbed the hilt, wrenching it out of his grasp.

Then I moved in and cut him - a long, deep slash on the chest - before moving out of his range. Fox-like I jumped in and out, bite and let go, attack and retreat, until he was covered with slashes and staggering, dripping blood on the floor. The circle of demons closed even tighter around us, and Hiru glanced around in panic, feeling death loom before him.

"Stop playing with Hiru, boy." A voice rang out, and the circle parted reluctantly so that Okatouji could step up to us. "I don't want a scorpion in our midst. And anyway, we need all the fighters we can get. Our enemy is strong."

"Don't call me boy. You know my name." I responded, eyes flashing. We stared at each other for several moments. I was unwilling to give up on my prey, stop my entertainment, but I did not want to leave the camp. Not yet, anyway.

"Leave him alone, Goku." The Captain finally said. I shrugged and headed back to my tent, and the demons parted for me, fearful.

"Hey!" Hiru spoke up, and I turned around and gave him a contemptuous look, "My dagger."

I looked down at my hand. The dagger fit to my palm perfectly, almost as if it were made for me. The hilt, I was amused to notice, was in the shape of a scorpion. The dagger had a curious wavy blade of about twenty-five inches, and though extremely light it was stronger than anything I had ever seen before. 

I looked up at Hiru and raised an eyebrow. "_Your_ dagger?" I said, stressing the first word.

Hiru glared at me, but backed down and muttered, "Your dagger."

I walked over to him and took the daggers sheath from him. Then I smirked and reentered my tent, slinging the sheath over one shoulder and tucking my new dagger in to place.

"Goku, I can't let you become like this." A lazy voice rose from one corner of the tent, and I whirled around to face Kanzeon Bosatsu.

"I am what I want to be." I responded scathingly.

"Aren't you curious to know what Sanzo, Hakkai and Gojyo are up to?" She smiled slightly.

My heart gave a small pang, but I ignored it and replied, "No. They are no longer part of my life."

She laughed mockingly, "How can you say that, Goku?" She walked closer to me, and I pulled out my dagger warningly, "They are the only chink left in your hardened heart."

"Get away from me."

"Are you not even a tiny bit curious?" The Goddess was now only a foot away from me, "Since you hate them so much, you might enjoy seeing them suffer."

"Suffer?" The question leaped out before I could think.

"Yes. They have hard times ahead of them."

I raised an eyebrow, "Since when are you clairvoyant?"

She laughed once more, "It's obvious that they will. And even if you don't care, I want you to know." And then she placed one hand on my head, muttered something, and light blinded my vision. 

Slowly, the light faded, and I blinked, trying to see what had happened. The tent remained unchanged but Kanzeon was no longer in sight. Her voice rang out clearly, "Look in to mirror, flame, or water and see across the distance." 

I sat down on my bed and cursed the pesky goddess. I glanced down at the dagger, which was once more in my hands, and raised it up to the light to examine it. I expected that it had some scratches and blemishes, having been in a lumbering youkai's care, but what I did not expect was to see something moving on the surface.

And as I leaned forward to peer at the surface, I sank in to a daydream and closed my eyes. But when I opened them I was no longer in my tent. I was standing in front of you. 

To Be Continued... 


	6. One Day

** Warning: ** None needed, I don't think. 

** A/N: ** I am changing the way I respond to reviews - the other way takes up way too much space and I feel it detracts from the story. I'll just thank everyone and respond to questions if possible. Ok? I still love you all! Today I wrote the last chapter of No Regrets. I had been planning a nice ending, but I got a much better idea. Now all that's left is to write all the chapters in between... ^^  
Thanks to: [**labrynth, NC, bleit, CTFA, gallatica, chris, & windy**]   
To those who are curious about what Kanzeon did, you have it here. To those asking about *my* life, things are going quite well now, thanks alot! ^^   
  
~~~~~

** Chapter 5 **   
~`~`~`~` 

I stared at you blankly for several moments, hate overwhelming my fear, and waited for you to say something. But you didn't.

"Let's go out and eat something." Hakkai suggested quietly, completely ignoring me. Perplexed, I moved towards him and waved a hand in front of his face, but he did not even blink.

"You go." You muttered, sprawled out on the bed.

Gojyo sighed, "I just can't believe he left us like that, without a word…"

A flicker of annoyance crossed your face and a tinge of - could it be? - guilt? "I told you not to talk about it."

"You know something, don't you?" The kappa said savagely, "You know why he's not here!"

"Damare." You glared at him, standing up and pulling out your gun.

"That's right," Gojyo continued, "hide behind your gun."

A gunshot rang out, and the bullet whizzed past the kappa's head, missing him by mere inches and marking the wall behind him. Then you whirled around and walked through me, to the door. You closed it with a bang.

_That's right, Sanzo. Suffer for what you did to me!_ I thought triumphantly. And then I realized what had happened - you had walked through me. I recalled Kanzeon's words: "you might enjoy seeing them suffer". I was only a witness, nothing more. I sneered, agreeing with Kanzeon. It would be fun to spy on you and watch you suffer without you even realizing.

Hakkai sighed heavily, "Really Gojyo, you shouldn't goad him like that."

Gojyo snapped back, "Goku's run off, Sanzo's hiding something, and you tell me not to goad him? He's not even worried, damn it!"

"He didn't run off, he left." Hakkai corrected gently.

"Aren't you worried?" The redhead flared angrily.

"Yes." The curt answer calmed the kappa down and they sat there for a few moments, staring at each other.

"I'm going out." Gojyo stood up, and without another word he left the room. Hakkai watched him go, trying to smile, knowing where the kappa was headed.

_He still hasn't confessed,_ I sighed in disgust. But guilt attacked me, making me clench my jaw angrily. My friends were suffering because I had left. I did not want that, but I couldn't have continued traveling with you. _They'll survive,_ I tried to convince myself, _they always do._ Leaving a heart broken Hakkai in the small room, I trailed downstairs in to the bar, to see what you and Gojyo were up to.

I immediately spotted Gojyo from his telltale crimson hair, talking to a woman who was heavily made up and wearing indecent clothes. She must have cornered him, because she definitely wasn't his type. Looking around, I saw you in a corner and walked over.

"Another beer." You grumpily told the waitress, who scurried off.

"Now, now, don't you look down in the dumps!" A woman, matching Gojyo's companion in looks, sat across from you with what she must have thought was a seductive smile on her face. "Suffering from a broken heart, dear?"

"Get away," You growled, "before I kill you."

"Fine." She stood up once more, "You know when to find me when you come to your senses." And then she sashayed off in search of another man.

I stared after her in surprise. _You, suffering from a broken heart?_ I glanced down at you as you finished the beer and asked for another, and a smirk spread across my face. _Suffering from guilt pangs, more like it._ You were never the kind to suffer from a broken heart, and I knew it. But guilt attacked you constantly. Being unable to save your master, having used me… everything you were guilty of had happened when it was raining. My smirk grew even wider. _You must really hate the rain now, eh Sanzo?_ I left you in your cloud of gloom and walked over to see how Gojyo was.

"I'd love to show you my room." The woman was murmuring softly, batting her eyelashes. Gojyo smiled flirtatiously in response, but it was obvious his heart wasn't in it. After all, he did prefer a more clean cut woman.

"Excuse me." The barmaid appeared behind Gojyo and pulled him away for a moment and asked, "Are you all right?"

Gojyo seemed relieved to see her, "There you are! I was looking for you!" He said to her seriously, "We need to talk." The made-up woman scowled heavily and left, sensing she had lost her claim.

"Come with me." The barmaid said firmly, and she steered Gojyo off in to a side room. I followed them curiously. After closing the door behind her, the barmaid turned to face the kappa. "What did you want to say?"

"Well, Sakki, it's about last night…" Gojyo smiled nervously and I realized that the two had slept together. "I have to apologize."

"No, no," Sakki smiled, "It's my fault. I shouldn't have gotten angry and yelled at you like that." She blushed, "I think the whole town heard."

"But you could've gotten pregnant…"

"And you only feel guilty now?" She raised an eyebrow, "How many other women before me risked getting pregnant without you feeling guilty?"

Gojyo's smile faded and he snapped, "I didn't come to get my conscience examined." He whirled around and put his hand on the doorknob to yank the door open, but Sakki ran forward and stopped him by placing her hand on his shoulder.

"You didn't let me finish." She said softly, and Gojyo turned around reluctantly to face her. "I know what you are, Gojyo."

"What?" The kappa tensed at her words.

"Your red hair, and red eyes - I know what they stand for. My half-brother was the same."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Gojyo asked irritably, hating his red hair and eyes more then ever.

"I had forgotten about a fact relating to your kind. Last night after you left I remembered… You see, one of my cousins is a scientist. Or was," she added, "we do not know if he is dead or not. We have not seen him for a long time." "And?" The redhead said impatiently.

"He used to always repeat," she closed her eyes and recited, "Humans and youkai - do you know why mating between different species is regarded as taboo? In any kind of tradition, if we go back in history, there is always an origin. We, the scientists, are logically able to prove this. The child born through the mating of different species generally does not hold reproduction facilities."

I watched, frozen, as Gojyo reeled backwards. His mouth dry, he managed to stutter, "Is…is that true?"

Sakki looked at him gravely, "My cousin was a great scientist, though twisted at times. I just wanted to tell you that you should not worry about fatherless children, because you can't have any."

"Thanks." Gojyo smiled bitterly, "I think I'll go now."

Sakki nodded comprehensively and let Gojyo exit the room, me on his heels. Gojyo walked outside and leaned against the wall of the inn, lighting up a cigarette.

"That self confident, arrogant bastard…" He looked up at the starred sky and laughed hollowly. "And all this time, I thought to myself that one day I'd start my own family and get it right…one day I'd find someone to love…one day…"

My heart twisted painfully once more as I saw my friend suffer, his dreams collapsed in the space of a second. I had never known he had all those plans, all those goals, and I wondered what I had to look forward to. And I realized I shared one of Gojyo's wishes. _One day I want to find someone to love._

My vision slowly blurred and I was pulled backwards, away from Gojyo, away from Hakkai, away from you, until I was sitting in my tent staring at my dagger. But the words echoed in my head as I slid behind my cold mask.

_One day._

To Be Continued... 


	7. Lonely

** Warning: ** If you have read this far, you know what you are in for. So no use to keep writing this. 

** A/N: ** I think I am planning on having three encounters with the "pensieve" (gallatica, crazygurl: I was not thinking of HP when I wrote it! Gah.) Don't know anything else. At least now that I know how this story will end, my ideas are a little more stable. Be ready for some surprises. Thanks to all reviewers, you really make my day and make me want to update.   
Thanks to: [**labrynth, chris, gallatica, bleit, crazygurl, and my dearest wolfie! (haha)**] - don't feel like checking what your names really are now, probably some of you have some numbers added because of ff.nets change in policy. Whatever I know who you are.  
No questions asked, no questions answered.  
  
~~~~~

** Chapter 6 **   
~`~`~`~` 

Several weeks passed before I risked looking in to anything that could spark the gift Kanzeon had given me. As much as I enjoyed seeing you suffer, I did not feel the same about Hakkai and Gojyo, and the guilty pangs I had felt had angered me.

I had broken off with my past, but now it came to haunt me. How was I supposed to be strong if I could not forget about the journey to the west? But most of the time I managed to push it to the back of my mind and ignore the memories, retain the cold composure I had cultivated and the mingled fear and respect the youkai had for me.

I stepped out of my tent and Hiru hurried towards me, holding out a canteen of water and a bowl filled with a strange white slop. I accepted it wordlessly and sat down to eat as he prowled near me, making sure no one disturbed me.

The mind of a youkai works in a curious way. One would think that Hiru would hate my guts, since I nearly killed him, but the more powerful I was, the more willing he was to help and obey me. Fear meant respect, and respect meant loyalty. And almost all the demons feared me now.

Not that I would ever try and take over the army. I did not want the responsibility or the power. I had even refused to take the place left vacant by Noko's death and become one of Okatouji's generals. I preferred to be left alone.

I ate quickly and emptied both the canteen and the bowl, leaving them on the ground for Hiru to pick up and clean. The food looked unappetizing, but it was wholesome and there was more then enough for everyone.

Stretching, I examined the camp and the surrounding area, something I had not been able to do the night before when we had chosen to set up here. Okatouji made us shift our camp every few days, so that the enemy could never pinpoint our location. As of yet, we had not fought against anyone and I was getting restless.

"Captain! Captain!" A youkai, one of the scouts, ran in to the camp breathless. Okatouji turned around to face him. "Two truckloads of enemy youkai will be passing near us soon, by the river."

"Did you hear that, you lot? Get ready!" The Captain roared happily, and everyone leapt up to prepare for combat. I grinned wolfishly in anticipation and waited for the others to get ready, dagger already strapped across my shoulders.

Finally we set off at an easy lope, following the scout until we arrived at the river he had mentioned. Okatouji looked around and pointed to an area with dense vegetation.

"We can set up an ambush over there. Yoshi." He pointed to a thin youkai with gleaming green, reptilian eyes, "Lead your group over there and dig a few trenches."

"Yes, Taishou." The youkai said, and walked off, followed by ten other demons. 

_So he must be the youkai that took Noko's place._ Okatouji had separated his army in to five groups of ten, and each had its own general to lead the group. That way he did not have to deal with all the responsibility himself.

I watched as Yoshi directed his demons and made them dig several trenches by the riverside. When they were down they jumped in, and the remaining youkai covered up the trenches with branches and grass, before going off to conceal themselves in the dense shrubbery on the other side. It was then that I understood Okatouji's plan - to surround the two trucks on both sides so that they could not escape. But there was one tiny fault in the plan. Though it would be too difficult to back out of the situation, the trucks could easily accelerate and pass us by.

The Captain came over, and I pointed it out to him, "You are leaving a hole."

"No I'm not." He smiled, and I raised an eyebrow. "You're going to stand there."

I smirked, "Get them to stop and get out of the truck to attack a poor, lonely youkai and then attack them, right?"

"Right." I walked over to the middle of the road and Okatouji looked at me seriously, "Do not attack until I say so." I shrugged and he went off to hide.

We were not long waiting - soon I could hear the distinct rumbling of the heavy trucks, coming our way. Briefly, I was reminded of Jeep, but then I ignored the thought and concentrated on the task at hand.

The two trucks screeched to a halt several meters away from me.

"Get out of the way!" One of the demons yelled, and I shook my head.

"Just run him over." Someone else called out. I ignored their useless babble and examined them. I had never met them before, I was sure of it, and yet there was something familiar about them…

I shook myself out of my reverie when a yellow-eyed demon stepped off of the truck and sneered, "Let's just kill him." The demons yelled their agreement and jumped out of the truck.

A rush of satisfaction washed over me and I eyed my prey selectively. Who was going to be the first to fall victim to my deadly blade? I unsheathed Scorpion, as I had named my dagger, and slid in to a fighting stance. I preferred using a blade to Nyoibou because I could draw out the fight longer, spill more blood, make my prey suffer… A hungry gleam lit my eye.

Silently, Okatouji and his army swept out from their hiding places, encircling the enemy. Several arrows thudded in to the thick truck wheels, puncturing them and blocking off any chance of escape.

"I am Okatouji." The captain stated firmly, walking forward a few steps as the demons near me tightened the hold on their weapons protectively.

The yellow-eyed demon bared his teeth, "You may call me Skaa. We have heard of you, filthy traitor!"

Okatouji raised an eyebrow, "Traitor? Am I a traitor because I was unsatisfied with the poor living conditions forced upon us? Am I a traitor because I refused to be treated like dirt?"

"Prince Kougaiji has the right to treat us how he wants." The demon hissed back, "He is our lord."

Okatouji laughed, "No he isn't. If he was, I don't think I would have left. He's just a weak little pawn, running to Gyokumen's beck and call."

My mind reeled dizzily as I absorbed the sudden shock of information. _Okatouji and his army are deserters. They fight against Kougaiji. Kougaiji is just a pawn. Could all of this be possible?_ I pushed the question out of my mind. It was not my business anyway.

"Will you join us?" Okatouji boomed.

Several demons glanced around furtively and began to inch forward. With a howl of outrage Skaa whipped out a sword and slashed them all down. He turned to face the captain, "We will always be loyal to the Prince Kougaiji!"

Okatouji shrugged, "Then you are all fools." And he nodded at me.

My eyes centered on Skaa and I launched forward, Scorpion outstretched. Within seconds the demon was sprawled on the floor, hands and feet missing, terror stricken. With a lazy slash I chopped his head off and felt the blood splatter on my face.

I raised my head and looked at the other demons around me. I licked some blood off my cheek and asked, "Who wants to be next?" And then all hell broke loose as I launched to the attack, closely followed by Okatouji's army.

When it was over I went over to the riverbank and sat down. "What a strange quirk of fate," I muttered to myself, "that I am still fighting against Kougaiji."

"You know him?" Hiru stood beside me.

I glanced at him, "Yes, I fought against him many times."

"You must be glad you still have the opportunity to fight against him." The youkai smiled and left, sensing I needed some time for myself.

In a way, I was glad. It seemed to give me an anchor point in my life, something to hold on to. But I had sworn that I would start all over again, and to keep fighting the same enemy would mean that I was still holding on to my past.

_I could always join forces with Kougaij._ I toyed with the idea, but I knew I would not do it. Not for now, at least. Thinking of him as enemy was too much ingrained in to me, and anyway fighting for him would mean swearing allegiance to causes I did not believe in. And fighting for him meant speaking to you again. I was not ready for that, even though I wondered how you would feel knowing I had changed sides. Amused, probably.

I stared down at my bloodstained hands and frowned as the acrid taste of youkai blood lingered on my tongue. Human blood was infinitely sweeter - I have known that ever since you protected me from Rikudo and stained the earth and I red. I still wonder why you did it. Maybe you did not want to let someone else have the pleasure of hurting me.

I stepped in to the river and let the current wash away the blood, imagining that the water was taking away the dirt but also my past, the memories…

"You look like I feel." Okatouji spoke from behind me, jerking me out of my reverie.

"What do you mean?" I asked guardedly, cursing myself for letting my barriers down.

"Lonely." The Captain sighed, and I was startled at the sudden exposure of another side of the strong youkai. "My lover died in the pleasure houses at Kougaiji's fortress."

"Hm." I uttered, not entirely comfortable at being burdened with another person's regrets and sorrows.

Okatouji did not seem irritated by my noncommittal response. "Do you ever react?" He asked instead, "Do you ever feel anything?"

"I will not let my emotions escape from my control." I snapped back, "If you let things affect you, you can get hurt."

"You hide behind indifference. You have been hurt, haven't you?" He asked softly.

"Yes." I said, and I left it at that. Okatouji walked away quietly and left me brooding over his words.

It was true. I was stopping myself from feeling anything. I was blocking off my emotions. But that was the only way to be safe. That was the only way to avoid pain.

I got out of the river and strode over to the fire that had just been built, sitting down near it to dry myself off. I glanced up at the darkening sky, and looked back down once more, staring in to the flames. And once again I felt myself sinking in to a daydream, and my eyes closed.

But this time, I was ready. 

To Be Continued... 


	8. Enough

** Warning: ** If you have read this far, you know what you are in for. So no use to keep writing this. 

** A/N: ** Next chapter will be the last memory/vision/pensieve encounter/whatever, ok? My updates should be a little more constant, because I have finished vacation (*hears all readers sigh gratefully*). Of course, if my muse abandons me... *knocks on wood/iron/whatever*   
Thanks to: [**prowling wolf, chris"37",bleit, gallatica**] (and those who read after) - you guys are my salvation and inspiration and everything ending with -tion. (Muse: destruction? desolation?) *pushes Muse-who-still-needs-a-name away*.  
Yes, wolfie, it was unclear and I will go change that! Yes, chris, there is a way to heal Goku's heart and you will see how soon. Yes, gallatica, I did make a mistake thanks for pointing it out I will change it now. Yes, bleit there are tons of twists and actually the end itself is a surprising twist and I am pleased I will shock you. *starts gasping for breath* Now *gasp* go *gasp* read *gasp* and *gasp* review!!  
  
~~~~~

** Chapter 7 **   
~`~`~`~` 

Another room, another inn, another town. As usual.

Hakkai was standing on his tatami mat, looking down at Gojyo with a mild smile on his face. But I knew the smile was fake; it almost always was. I could tell by the slight downward turn in the healer's smile that Hakkai was worried.

Gojyo was sprawled out on his mat, cigarette dangling from his lips, brooding. _Of course,_ I smirked. The actual fact that Gojyo was thinking and not off chasing women was worrying for someone who loved the kappa as much as Hakkai. Had I seen him like this, not so long ago, I would have been worried too, but now I couldn't care less.

Bored by the silence, I looked around and realized there were only two mats on the floor. Even my departure hadn't changed your love of solitude, and I wondered whether you were in the room next door, smoking calmly and not the least bit affected by the kappa's strange behavior.

"Gojyo…?" Hakkai said tentatively, "What's wrong?"

Silence was the only response the healer got, and I sighed in irritation when I realized the idiot had still not told anyone about what he had learned concerning his fertility.

"Is this…about Goku?"

I had to stifle a laugh. Hakkai was completely off mark. Hakkai, who had always been able to read everyone's mind! Hakkai, who claimed to love that dumb kappa!

"No…" Gojyo finally chose to respond.

"Then what?" Hakkai prodded.

"You're not going to leave me alone until I tell you, right?" Gojyo rolled over to face Hakkai, shadow of his usual smirk on his face.

Hakkai smiled and laughed nervously, rubbing the back of his head with his hand, "I don't mean to sound nosy."

"It's just that I had a fight with a girl-"

"Don't give me that." Hakkai narrowed his eyes steely; "We both know those girls mean nothing to you."

_Or at least that's what you hope, eh Hakkai?_ I stretched idly and sat down, leaning my chin on one hand.

"I'm telling the truth!" Gojyo stood up fiercely, walking over to where Hakkai stood. "When have I ever fucking lied to you, damn it?"

"Every single day."

The quiet response brought the kappa back to his senses and he relaxed slightly. "True…" He gave a short, barking laugh, "It's just that… I always had a dream of one day having a family…"

"That dream can still come true." Hakkai said, perplexed.

"No it can't!" Gojyo grabbed Hakkai by the collar and shook him slightly, "I just found out I'm fucking sterile because I'm a hybrid!" Gojyo released the healer and strode over to the open window. "My red hair and eyes have become a curse for me. Maybe I really do bring bad luck, but only to myself."

"Then change color."

"What?"

Hakkai walked over to Gojyo and put a hand on his friend's shoulder, "I can buy some hair dye, and some of those colored contact lenses. How about pure black hair? Blue eyes? If your hair and eye color bother you, I will do anything to change them. But you must realize that they mean nothing in your life. You must stop thinking of them as a restriction, a limitation. Your dreams can still come true."

I snorted as the situation got too mushy for me, and Gojyo raised an eyebrow skeptically. "How?"

"You could adopt."

Gojyo sighed and plunked himself back down on his mat, "But I want a real family…something to call my own…" 

"We are your family." Hakkai said softly. "Sanzo and I…even Goku, though now he's far away, we are your family." 

I rolled my eyes, but Gojyo suddenly laughed, and the tension on his face disappeared. "You're right. Now all I need to find is someone who loves me, make them join the group, and then I'm set!"

I glanced at Hakkai's face and could see the words on the tip of his tongue, the words you had once wrongly uttered to me, but this time they would be right, they would be true, they would be real…

But Gojyo did not look up and encourage the healer. Hakkai tightened his lips and went to his mat, tucking himself under the covers, leaving those three words unsaid. I shook my head with irritation and walked over to the door, peering at my two ex-companions over my shoulder, waiting and hoping.

"Good night." Hakkai called out.

I did not wait to hear Gojyo respond. I simply walked through the door, disgusted. I had never known that the strong, courteous killer I had traveled with was a coward.

I walked across the hall to the opposite door and cocked my head. I could hear a voice muttering within, and I was quite sure it was yours. Now that I had time to think about it, walking through your door was peculiar. I had to will myself in to thinking I could do it, and even so it was like pushing through a wall of sand. _Maybe,_ I mused to myself, _I have to believe I can do it. After all, the first two times I went through something I had not been thinking about it._

I almost laughed when I saw your room. Even though it was stifling hot the window was sealed tightly closed, since you detested outside noise and wanted silence to reign over your solitude, but what I found most amusing was that you were sprawled on a bed.

_A tatami mat not enough for you, Sanzo?_ It was amusing to think of how spoilt you had become, how vain and pampered. It was hard to believe that back at the temple you would have been sleeping on the ground, with nothing to separate you from the wooden floor besides a thin layer of straw.

You moaned slightly and shifted, tangling the sheets in a hopeless knot with your limbs. I walked forward confidently, curious to hear what you were murmuring beneath your breath. A wicked glee washed over me. _Having a nightmare, Sanzo?_

"…gai…" I raised an eyebrow and leaned forward, straining to hear the one word you were repeating insistently. Your lips parted, as if being kissed, and then you said the word once more. "…Kougaiji…"

A smirk stretched my lips with satisfaction as the humor in the situation hit me. You were not having a nightmare at all, but a wet dream. Who would have thought that you, ever loyal to your cause though you were corrupt, would secretly lust for a taste of the enemy? Did his power kindle your desire? How would you feel, knowing he was only a pawn?

I snickered as I looked down at you. _Imagine had I really joined Kougaiji. Would it have roused your libido, knowing that the two objects of your desire were fighting against you?_

I shook my head with mock regret. It would have been fun to see your face when you saw me fighting with Kougaiji, but I could not join him. Therefore, I was stuck fighting against him.

Then the reality hit me. I could only fight against Kougaiji, but to fight against him would be to fight against you. After all, now that I knew you lusted after him I could see the claim you had on the youkai prince. And if I wanted to leave my past behind, I had to stop fighting against you, stop seeing you…

"Enough!" The word was ripped out of me and I was astounded by the hoarseness of my voice, "Let me out of here, now!" 

I was pulled backwards with a sharp yank and my eyesight blurred. Then I was sitting by the fire once more. 

_Never again,_ I vowed darkly, moving away from the fire, _I will never use this gift again._ I cursed Kanzeon for having interfered with my life, and yet I was strangely grateful because now I knew what I had to do.

I glanced up at the sky, and at the lonely moon, whose cold light swept over me in a welcoming embrace. 

"Kougaiji's servants are weaklings!" Yoshi cackled to some demons around him on the other side of the fire, and they all laughed.

_Kougaiji._ You loved him. You wanted him. I fought against him. We were still tied together by fate, but I would break that chain.

"Goku?" Hiru gave me a worried glance, but I ignored him.

_Goku._ My old name, tied to those memories. 

I had to run away from my past.

Again. 

To Be Continued... 


	9. Defeat

** Warning: ** If you have read this far, you know what you are in for. So no use to keep writing this. 

** A/N: **Ok, the next chapter will be the last vision thingy. I made a mistake last time... ^^;;   
Thanks to: [**amalphia and gallatica**] (and those who read after) Not that many ppl reviewed... T_T Now that I am back from vacation, did they all leave to go on theirs?? This chapter will be a little bit suprising. Review.   
  
~~~~~

** Chapter 8 **   
~`~`~`~` 

I tore my glance away from the starry sky. Okatouji met my gaze but said nothing; he just turned away from the defeat in my eyes. Then I began to walk away.

"Goku! Where are you going?" Hiru looked at me questioningly. It was strange to think that just a month ago we had been fighting vehemently, just a month ago I had not trusted any of them. And now I regretted not having told them my soul name. But it was too late. 

My hand strayed to the ever-faithful blade on my back and I pulled it off. Scorpion would never get rid of that pain I had managed to ignore until now by masking my suffering with indifference. Now I knew it had always been there: a heavy lump in my stomach that jabbed me whenever I moved. But when I would kill someone, for a while it would be gone...

I thought that you had caused the pain that boiled inside me, that tormented my heart, and could only lift its torturous presence by venting my anger. Only now could I see that it was my soul, dried up by loneliness, calling out to me.

Having become a bitter, merciless assassin was not going to help me. I thought to do it to spite you, but in the end I was just bending to what you wanted. You wanted me to loose my innocence, to become bitter and filled with hate. I did not want to satisfy your wish.

I walked over to Hiru and handed him the blade. "I do not need this anymore."

I walked away, and as I walked away I heard Hiru protest to Okatouji, "He can't just leave like that! We need him!"

"Let him go." Okatouji responded, "You heard him. He doesn't need us anymore. And if he's like that, we don't need him."

The last few words hit me like a slap in the face, but I continued walking calmly.

~~~~~

For several weeks I slept and moped around like a dirty biscuit, numbing the pain and my own feelings, until I realized that I was still in your trap, feigning indifference. The crack between the person I should have been and the one you were making me be, so tiny at first, had suddenly stretched in to a seemingly insurmountable abyss. 

But as soon as I let my feelings go, I jumped right over the cliff. I began to run, furiously, tears streaming down my face in an unconscious mimicry of what I had done after leaving you.

_We don't need him._ I knew Okatouji had said those words for my benefit, to ease my departure, but they hurt nonetheless. I had made him promise that I would be able to leave when I wanted, and he had stuck to that promise. But his words stung.

I stopped and slammed my fist in to a tree. "No one needs me!" 

"That's where you're wrong." A voice drawled, and I whirled around to face Kanzeon.

"Leave me alone, goddamn bitch! Haven't you done enough already?"

"I need you." She said simply, cutting through my outburst. "I need you to return to the Sanzo-ikkou and finish the journey to the west."

Curses tumbled out of my mouth in rapid succession, before I stopped and took a deep breath, "How can you ask me to do that?"

The Goddess of Mercy leaned forward, ready to bargain, "I can make both of you forget the whole episode."

"Letting me return to the foolish admiration and love I had for that asshole? Never!"

"Alright," she sighed, "I'll make him forget."

"He would try to do it again."

"I'll make sure he doesn't."

"I am not going back."

"You have to go back."

"I will never return to that bastard!"

We glared at each other for several moments, before Kanzeon gave in. "I'm not going to force you; there's no fun in that. But," she brightened, "I could set it up so you two share a loving and caring relationship."

"Fuck y-"

"Kanzeon Bosatsu-sama." A deep baritone rang out, and we both turned to stare at the newcomer. Homura frowned at the goddess slightly, "Jiroushin is looking for you."

"Alright, alright, I'll leave the saru alone. But if you change your mind," she addressed me, "don't forget to call!" And with a wink she was gone.

"Homura." I said uncertainly, fearfully, still in shock by the emotions that were running wild within me. I tried to deal with my grief, but it was too strong and I could feel myself slipping back down to indifference.

"Come with me, Goku." I stared at him in surprise and he added, "Where else can you go?"

_Anywhere._ The word was on my lips, but I swallowed it. Here was my chance to join someone once more; here was a chance to be useful and needed. I had no idea what Homura was fighting for, but somehow I trusted him.

I smiled, "My soul name is Jinsei. Call me that."

Homura raised an eyebrow, "Jinsei?"

"Yes."

Homura smiled wryly, but something was bothering him. "Will you come with me, then Jinsei?"

I nodded, he put on a hand on my shoulder, and we vanished from sight, only to reappear seconds later in an ex-youkai tower; Homura's lair.

Shien and Zeon looked at us coolly and Zeon smiled, "Welcome to the group, Goku."

But I did not respond and simply glanced at him coldly, hiding once more. Homura nodded down at me, "Follow me. I will lead you to your room." I turned my back on Homura's two companions and walked down the hall.

~~~~~

The floor was a dull gray stone, cold to the touch. There was a double bed with dark sheets on one side of the room. Across from it was a wooden desk with demonic carvings on its legs, and on the desk lay a mirror. I had immediately knocked the latter over face down when I had entered, ignoring Homura's bewildered glance as he left the room.

They had argued about me after that, not too far away from my door. Zeon and Shien were suspicious of my presence, and they kept repeating every once in a while, "But are you sure we can trust him?"

In the end Homura found one sentence that shut them up immediately. After repeating that I posed no danger for them, he added, "We need to help him; someone has broken his spirit." The words had sent a shiver down my back, and I realized that Homura knew.

I stood by the window, staring out at a bleak landscape that matched the tower's gloominess, and wondered how Homura could actually live here. That was the first question I had asked him, and his response still amused me for its idealism.

"Superficial things do not matter. Beauty can be found everywhere, even in the ugliest places." Shrugging, Homura had added, "It's a useful place to have."

Yes - it was useful. Away from the prying eyes of the gods, away from the prying eyes of mortals: anything could be done here. Plus this tower had come with an army of demons ready to convert to Homura's cause._ And then, I am needed here. _

"He loves you, you know?" I turned around slowly to face Zeon, who was leaning idly against the desk, a trace of a smile on his face. So his suspicions hadn't been completely quelled by Homura's reassurances.

I gazed at him, emotionless. "Yes."

"Do you love him?" I simply turned my back on the prying god, who continued undeterred, "Answer me."

"I don't know…"

"Then how can we trust you?"

I closed my eyes and bowed my head. With a steady voice, I responded, "If he loves me, then I will do anything for him."

Zeon half-laughed, "Even kill yourself?" He asked jokingly.

"Yes."

I could easily sense the shock that radiated from Zeon at my firm response, and then the god walked over to me and placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Sorry for suspecting you, but Homura is too nice for his own good. Shien and I need to protect him."

"Apology accepted." I opened my eyes, and my gaze fell on the highly polished machine gun on Zeon's back. A cry of desperation ripped through me as I sank in to a daydream once more. 

To Be Continued... 


	10. Mine

** Warning: ** Last pensieve thing. Will say no more or ruin chapter. 

** A/N: **Thank you for reviews people. Kanzeon's gift was maybe supposed to help Goku, and it still might...maybe... I still have to see!! ^_^ Hope you guys like the chapter. This is the beginning of Goku being happy again sort of - not major angst planned for the future. I think. REVIEW and you find out what happens next sooner.  
  
~~~~~

** Chapter 9 **   
~`~`~`~` 

I found myself in a forest and forgot I hadn't wanted to see you again. I turned around and saw you, sitting on the ground, leaning against a tree and smoking idly. Gojyo was doing the same, eyeing Hakkai with a strange expression on his face as the healer cooked lunch.

I wondered what that expression meant. Was he still not over the crisis he had gone through? Had Hakkai confessed yet? 

_It's none of my business, now. I left this behind, remember?_ I turned away and was about to demand to return back to Homura's castle when a call surprised me.

"HELLO BLONDIE~!" Lirin suddenly popped out of nowhere, wide smile on her face as she looked at you.

"Oh great, Sanzo-sama's girlfriend." Gojyo muttered, too quietly for the monk too hear.

"Hey!" Lirin put a hand over her eyes and looked around, "Where'd Goku go?"

"Lirin! Come here right now!" Kougaiji made his entrance, followed by his two companions. Looking at him, I was glad I had decided not to join his cause. He reminded me of you too much, not only because you lusted after him but because he hid behind a mask of aloofness, just like you.

I glanced over at your face, but you were in control. None of the desire you had experienced the last time I had seen you was displayed - you remained cold and distant, as usual. Briefly, I wondered whether you had truly loved me and been unable to show it, but then I shook the foolish thought out of my mind. 

Lirin skipped over to her brother happily, and I examined Kougaiji, expecting the usual feeling of blood rushing to my head as the will to fight increased in me, but nothing happened. Knowing he was just a pawn, knowing he was forced to work for someone else, knowing that you wanted to do to him what you had done to me; it lessened my antagonism against him, made me feel sorry for the youkai prince. I pitied him. Was that possible?

Kougaiji glanced around and it was obvious he was also wondering where I was, but he didn't ask. Instead, eyes lingering on you, he said: "We have come for the sutra."

"Big surprise!" Gojyo said sarcastically, "That's all you ever come for!"

"Wondering where Goku is?" You finally spoke up, and I was surprised by what you said. It did not fit the cold, indifferent image you projected around others.

Kougaiji simply looked at you, and then he said curtly, "Doku, Yaone, Lirin: stay here. You, monk, come with me."

"What?" Lirin whined, but she shut up when her brother glared at her.

Kougaiji walked away, and you simply followed him, without even glancing back. Looking at the others around me, I decided to follow you, wondering what the prince had in mind.

Kougaiji stopped when he was out of sight of the others, and waited patiently for you to catch up. I looked at you, now alone with the object of your desire, but you did nothing. _Of course. Kougaiji would not give in like I did._

"What did you do to Goku?" the youkai demanded roughly.

"I used him."

The answer caught Kougaiji off-guard, but then he suddenly laughed. "Think you're so powerful, don't you?" he narrowed his eyes, "What would you do if I did this?" And then Kougaiji pushed you against a tree and began to kiss you, thrusting his tongue down your throat almost violently. I was amused to see you respond to his overtures passionately, completely destroying your cool composure.

Kougaiji then pulled away, cruel smirk of satisfaction on his face. He eyed you hungrily, drinking in your flushed state, your complete helplessness. 

"You're mine." He growled, before walking away, and I was left there with you, laughing. Now I did not have to think of you anymore. Now I knew that you were being punished for what you did to me. Now the accounts were finally being settled.

When you finally returned to Hakkai and Gojyo, with me close behind, Kougaiji was gone.

"What happened?" Hakkai said, smiling.

"We stay here the night." You growled. Then you stomped off once more, but this time I did not follow you.

Gojyo and Hakkai exchanged curious glances, but simply shrugged it off. I examined them carefully, but no guilt pangs tugged at my heart. The aura of gloominess that had surrounded them before had dissipated. They had forgotten about me. 

They began to eat their meal in silence, until Gojyo looked up. "Hey Hakkai, are you straight?"

Hakkai blushed and stammered incoherently, and I shook my head at the perverted kappa, trying to suppress the affection that washed over me when I looked at him.

"I thought not." Gojyo moved over and sat down next to Hakkai, easy smile on his face. "Just how long have you been in love with me?"

The warm feeling had not left me when I began to feel a familiar tugging sensation, pulling me away from my friends.

"Goku?" Zeon waved a hand in front of my face, and I blinked up at him. "What happened?"

I felt so light and free. The room was not as gloomy as it had once been. My friends were all right. They did not think about me. And you were being punished.

"I want to speak to Homura. Now." 

To Be Continued... 


	11. Remembrance

** Warning: **Goku becomes happy and then falls back down to depression. 

** A/N: ** Thanks for the reviews: [**labrynth, Anael Razualle, gallatica**]   
Sorry about the misunderstanding, I realize I didn't make it clear enough. Sanzo is being "punished" because he is completely at Kou's mercy, like Goku was at Sanzo's in the second chappie. Does that help?   
About thinking that Homura was already dead [gallatica!] well actually since Italy is really behind on showing episodes I only found out last week that Homura will die. We are still at the episode where Homura takes the sutra from Sanzo... ^^;; And yes, Goku is very very sexy... I love cold & indifferent ppl too... *thinks of Sanzo* lol....   
  
~~~~~

** Chapter 10 **   
~`~`~`~` 

"Homura!" I ran up to him. Zeon had led me to the throne room, where Homura preferred to stay most of the time. 

"Yes?"

"I need to talk to Kanzeon."

Homura narrowed his eyes, "What for?"

"She gave me something, and I want to give it back."

"What?"

I shrugged, "Whenever I look in fire or anything that reflects I can see what's happening to other people."

"Kanzeon!" Homura boomed angrily, looking up at the ceiling, "I know you're watching. Come here right now!"

"Alright, alright." Kanzeon appeared before us, sly smile on her lips, "What is it now?"

"Why did you give Son Goku a divine power?"

She laughed softly, "I was just helping him."

"Well take it back." I butted in, "I did not ask for it and I don't want it anymore."

"You guys are so boring." Kanzeon whined, but she reached out towards me and touched my forehead. When she pulled her hand away, I staggered a little and fell back against Homura. Kanzeon winked at us and said, "Better get going now." And then she was gone.

"Goku? Are you alright?" Homura looked down at me.

I stood up, "Yes. But my name is Jinsei now, remember?"

"Goku." Homura looked at me in the eye, "Changing your name means nothing. You can't just abandon your past and run away from it. The more you run away, the closer it will follow you."

I bristled defensively and turned around to walk away.

"Wait!" Homura reached out and grabbed my shoulder. "You must accept your past. It's done. It's over with. You can't change who you are. I don't know who Jinsei is. The person I need is Son Goku."

I looked up at Homura and gazed in to his eyes for a long moment. Then, suddenly, something strange happened. My mouth began to twitch, and I began to smile. It took a lot of effort, to simply smile. I had lost practice.

Homura smiled down at me. "Right, Goku, come with me."

"Where?"

"To face your fear. To face your past."

The smile slid off my face.

~~~~~

We sat on one of the branches of a tall pine tree and waited for you to pass by. I felt distanced from everything, just sitting there listening to the very faint roar of the ocean waves. I could detect small traces of salt in the air.

"How do you feel?" Homura glanced at me out of the corner of his eye.

"Empty."

"You're going to be facing a fear that has restricted your life for such a long time, and you can't react?" Zeon looked down at me incredulously.

"Zeon." Homura warned him quietly, but I responded to him anyway.

"I know I should react, but I am indifferent... It seems like I am incapable of emotion, like a statue made of stone or lead; cold, unthinking materials. There's a hole in me, an empty feeling that sucks up the goodness in life and makes me see the negative side of things. It's like I'm wearing sunglasses all the time... forced to see the world darker then it really is. Knowing this, and yet not reacting... how pathetic I must appear."

"That's not true." Homura said, "Cut out the nonsense. You're just nervous."

Any retort I could have thrown at him was cut off when Jeep came in to view, bumping along the forest path. I could not see your face clearly, vision slightly obscured by the pine needles, and I waited tensely.

Finally, when Jeep was nearly below our tree, Homura, Zeon and Shien jumped down to stop you. Immediately, several gunshots rang out. It was a pointless habit of yours, shooting at gods when they appeared.

I crept down the tree slowly, hiding behind the trunk to stare at people I had not seen for slightly more than a month. _Only a month? It seems so much longer than that. But then, we've lived together for three years…_ I poked my head slightly out from behind the tree, and then I saw you.

It was funny. I had not seen your face in all that time, besides during those three short visits sparked by Kanzeon's gift, and yet I remembered every detail as if that night were yesterday, and my body grew cold in remembrance of your caresses. 

"Get out of our way!" You growled, standing on the car seat.

Hearing your voice in real life was so different from when I heard you in those visions. My heart fluttered strangely, and thinking that you might suffer the same way I did angered me because, indirectly, I felt it was my fault. I had wished that you might be punished. I had wanted to continue the vicious circle.

"We have a surprise for you." Homura drawled, and I recognized my cue. So I stepped out from the tree, out of the shadows, and walked over to Homura. Then I turned to face you.

"GOKU?" Gojyo yelped in astonishment. "You goddamn bakazaru! Leaving us like that-" Gojyo continued to rail at me, shaking his fist with a mixture of relief and anger, but I could no longer hear him. His mouth opened and closed furiously, but no sound came out. Or maybe sound did come out, but I could not hear it. All I heard was the lonely chirping of a nearby bird, but then that too went quiet.

When I focused on the kappa once more, I realized that the silence was real, and Gojyo was looking at me expectantly, waiting for an explanation, an apology… something. But I simply smiled softly and said, "Sorry, I wasn't listening."

My response left Gojyo speechless, so Hakkai intervened. "Goku, why did you leave like that?"

"Didn't Sanzo tell you?" I responded sarcastically, and then I remembered that I had hidden all signs of what had happened, that I had protected you from their disgust.

"Sanzo?" Hakkai turned to face you, but you did not respond.

I looked at your nose, avoiding the violet eyes that were boring me, and began, "Sanzo, I-"

"Urusai, bakazaru." You interrupted smoothly, and suddenly I could look directly at you, return your gaze.

I smiled effortlessly and turned to Hakkai and Gojyo, "Do not worry about me. You two stay together for eternity."

"What? How did you know that?" Gojyo was startled, but then he simply laughed and nodded.

"And Sanzo," I turned to face him, "about Kougaiji…" You flinched slightly, but I was the only one that noticed, because I was the only one that knew you well enough. "I'm sorry."

I turned to Homura and nodded, and we were gone. But not before I saw your face, and saw the complete shock wash over you. And not before I saw the small smile of acceptance, the small apology in return, a trace of regret in your eyes. All that you would ever show the world.

When we reappeared in Homura's tower, I looked at the god who had rescued me and smiled. But this time, my smile was painful. 

To Be Continued... 


	12. Just Smile

** Warning: ** Second to last chapter!! o_O Short chapter! 

** A/N: ** Thanks for the reviews: [**prowling wolf, gallatica, Genjo Sanzo1, Anael Razualle, crazy_gurl**] There's a funny rhyme in a sentence in this chapter, can you find it? A cookie to anyone that guesses correctly how this story will end, wolfie excluded because she already knows.  
Wolfie I hope you're converting to Saiyuki and start remembering who's who! Gallatica, can't answer any of the questions you asked without ruining the story. So just read![ And update Attraction!] Genjo - took you a while to find this story, ne? ^^I'm sure you'll manage to write a story with Homura sooner or later... Sankyuu for the profiterolles! Yummy! Anael - you like making wrong guesses, eh? *grins* Ah well I like being unpredictable. And I don't know why I thanked crazygurl. She hasn't reviewed! But she's given me precious comments so... *gives chocs to all reviewers* [minus wolf because she's silly] *evil smirk*   
  
~~~~~

** Chapter 11 **   
~`~`~`~` 

"Goku, what's wrong?" Homura came in to my room and sat down next to me. Zeon and Shien stood by the doorway quietly. "You haven't been out of this room for a week!"

"I messed everything up…"

Homura frowned and turned to his companions, "Could you leave us alone for a moment?" When they left, he turned back to me, "What do you mean?"

"You know," I began, "I had an aching need inside, a void filling my very essence, longing for the warmth and love of another. It had become an emotional crutch, me trying to find someone that would fulfill me. And yet I realized that no one would ever fulfill me, and no one should. A lover would only add to me, nothing more and nothing less. It was a hopeless search. I was running in circle, after my own shadow, looking for myself."

""But now things have changed."

"Yes, but don't you see? I was blaming others for the hole within me, for my problems. I was blaming everyone but myself."

"I know."

I turned to face him, "Thank you Homura, thanks so much for everything you've done for me."

"What do you mean?" the god glanced at me quizzically.

"You helped me see my mistakes. You helped me get over my past and see all my mistakes…there are so many…"

"Goku?"

I started crying then, burying my head in to the god's shoulder and just crying. "It was all my fault! I could have demanded an apology! I didn't have to leave… Now he's being punished for what he did, but I don't want him to be punished. And I can't go back. I just can't."

Homura sat there quietly, one arm around me, letting me vent my emotions.

"All this time, I thought he was so cold, but he's just human…he didn't know how to express his feelings…he didn't know how to say sorry…his pride wouldn't let him…he was ashamed and he tried to hide it by being distant…and anyway we all make mistakes…"

"But things can change." Homura repeated, and I pulled away and rubbed my eyes dry.

"I can't fool you, Homura." I reached up and touched his cheek softly, smiling sadly, "I know you love me. But I don't love you."

Homura was not saddened by what I said. He already knew it. So he simply smiled back at me, understanding what I meant. I think that's what I liked best about Homura. He always understood me. "What are you going to do now?"

"Let me say goodbye to Zeon and Shien first." Homura called the two in, and I smiled at both of them.

"Going back?" Zeon queried.

"No. Going forward." I ignored their curious glances and added, "It was nice knowing you. I just wanted to say goodbye to both of you."

"Well, we'll see each other again, no?" Zeon asked.

Shien looked at me, but I did not answer. He turned to look at Homura. "Can I speak to you for a moment?"

"I'll be back in a second, Goku." Homura stood up and walked outside, followed by his two companions.

I inched closer to the door and listened, knowing that they would speak just down the hallway and I would end up hearing anyway. I did not know why the gods thought that by walking out the door and slightly up the corridor I would not be able to hear them. Maybe privacy is something gods pay attention to. Or maybe they wanted me to hear.

"What's happening?" Zeon demanded.

Homura simply responded sadly, "Have you seen his eyes?"

"His eyes?"

"They are the eyes of an old man who has seen everything life has to offer. And they are very, very lonely, as if he has decided to be alone of his own choice."

"Like the eyes of Prince Nataku…" Shien whispered.

"You understand, don't you, Shien? I have to let him go."

"Yes." And then there were a few moments of silence.

Hearing footsteps, I returned quickly to where I had been sitting before, and Homura walked in the door. Zeon and Shien followed him in and looked at me in a disconcerting manner, but I only looked at Homura.

"Where should I take you?"

I closed my eyes. "Where I saw him last." 

And the next second we were there, where I had seen you for the last time, beneath the tall pine trees. I sniffed the air and looked at the direction where the ocean was, imagining.

"Goodbye, Son Goku."

"Goodbye, Homura. Please say goodbye to the others from me. Tell them not to miss me, because we will meet again. After all, we are tied together by fate." 

"Are you sure about this?"

I leveled my gaze. "I have no regrets."

"Then I will let you go." Homura disappeared.

I strained my ears to hear the waves crashing against the cliffs - so distant, - and I smiled, just smiled. And then I began to run towards the ocean.

***********

_It takes a minute to notice a special person. One hour to appreciate them. One day to love them. And a whole lifetime to forget them. I have never forgotten you._

To Be Continued... 


	13. Alone

** Warning: ** Final chapter! o_O Same style as introduction. 

** A/N: **The rhyme was in the sentence: "...I returned quickly to where I had been sitting **before**, and Homura walked in the **door**." *gives cookies to gallatica who tried to guess*  
Anyway... >_   
~~~~~

** Chapter 12 **   
~`~`~`~`   
"And I will show that nothing can happen more beautiful than death." -Walt Whitman  
~`~`~`~`

I was running. My feet were sinking in to the soft, sandy earth and I could hear the roar of the ocean waves far below.

It was warm. The sun was beating in to my back, pushing me forward on the familiar path. I did not know where I was, but I knew what I was looking for. Freedom. I had searched for it once before. 

The forest was silent. My heavy panting echoed loudly in my ears; the broken strains of birdsong sounded far off, distant. The world was holding its breath and watching me run by.

I was alone. There was me; there was my path; there was my destination. Nothing else. No one to stop me. No one to judge me. No one to criticize.

I broke out from under the trees, running away from the forest and the heady green scent of pine needles, leaving it all behind. My name, my past, my memories - everything. I was breaking away from the painful chains of life.

The ground beneath me changed to rock and my feet thudded heavily against it, digging in to the sharp rocks and stones. But I was beyond feeling pain. Every single sensation was savored as happiness, as destiny.

I looked up in to the sun and thought of you. Soon I would be free. In the light of my freedom all great passions, both good and bad, became transparent. I saw through my emotions and I realized:

I hated you with a furious passion.

I loved you with a furious passion.

I was a seagull, enjoying the warmth of the sun but hating how unreachable it was, how distant…how cold. But love always wins in the end, no matter how undeserving the receiver.

Maybe you did deserve it. Maybe it was I who had made the mistake. I had never forgiven you, and through you I had not forgiven the whole world. But the world does not care whether I forgive it or not. The world soon forgets the injustices it has caused. I had only ruined my own life. That was all.

I could see the ocean now, and it was glittering, glittering… calling, welcoming… I took a deep breath of the salty, fresh air and smiled. I closed my eyes and continued running forward, lifting my face to the sun, sending it one last kiss.

And then the path ended. And the wind howled on my face as I rushed down to meet the waves below. And I was flying. And I was happy. And I was free. 

~ The End ~


	14. Last Words

[updated: october 9 2003]

Wow. I think that's all I can say at the moment. It describes how I'm feeling too. Wow that I finished the story. Wow that I actually like it. Wow that so many people encouraged me and reviewed and made me feel loved... Awww~ ^^

Ok, it's decided. I _am_ doing a sequel of what happens with Sanzo and the others while Goku's off gallavanting... I decided it would ruin this fic if I did anything of the sort "Goku ressurected", and though some ideas of AGD (after Goku's death) were tempting, I just preferred to dig in to Sanzo's soul a bit now. So go read that and tell me what you think. Sanzo's going to be harder, imo. 

**End of story smug comment, thanks, and whatnot...**

Now, of course I wouldn't make Goku go back to Sanzo! I'm a big 39 fan myself, but the whole thing was to write a 39 that didn't work in the end. Isn't it funny how we can all be wrong and all be right, all at the same time? 

Enough rambling, I don't want to bore anyone. Let me pass on to the thanks. First of all, to all those who stuck with me till the end, you guys are what keeps me writing. I love you all. *gives swiss milk chocolate with honey and almond nougat* (aka...toblerone!! yummyness!) Reviewers of chapter 6 upwards:

**Anael Razualle**: Thank you for the flowers, the encouragement, and the wrong guesses! ^_^ Hope you enjoyed the story as much as I enjoyed the reviews!! XD   
Everyone check out her poem Regret at: !! It fits the story very very well!! 

**Genjo Sanzo1**: It's funny that you guessed the ending. Anyway: about your writing. Never give up trying. If you want to write, write! It's like bashing your head against a wall. Sooner or later you'll break through.

**Gallatica**: *megaglomps* I can't believe you followed me through this one! I love your fics so much and-wait, let's talk about me here! *grins* Thanks for advice, rambling, and making me laugh with funny reviews... *gives specially baked cookies*

**Prowling Wolf**: you are a great friend and I'm glad you tried to read this through though you knew nothing of Saiyuki. hope you liked it... *blinks pleadingly* and sanzo _is_ hot! forget HIM!

**Labrynth2**: I'm hope you liked the ending of the story and weren't too shocked... ^^ loved the comments, and thanks for pointing out where i was a bit unclear! 

**NC**: You still haven't sent me more of your stories - faint and breaking, if i remember correctly? hope you liked my take on goku, and the evilness within... *grins* 

**Chris37**: you seemed to have gotten a bit lost and forgotten about me... *pouts* but you're a great reviewer and i wouldn't have made it without you! 

**Crazy_gurl**: thanks for the many many comments on yahoo messenger and for the at time harsh comments... *sniff sniff* and for getting wolf to read this! :D :D 

**Amalphia**: this dark take on Goku sort of shocked me. I never expected it to come out this way! But it's over now, and I hope you liked it! *grins*

**Bleit**: you got lost too!! hope you liked the many twists and the final twist at the end! goku is sorta scary when he's cold, ne?? sankyuu for the reviews! 

**Koori-Neko**: Thank you very much for reviewing! I hope you enjoyed it! ^^

**Hakkai - Gojyo - Goku - Sanzo**: What a name! ^^;; Anyway, glad the ending suprised you. It was supposed to. *smug grin* 

**Sailor Gotland**: Italy is also slow on the anime-front... *sighs* I'm glad you think this fic does Goku justice - I think so too. All those "Goku is a silly idiot" fics get me so pissed off!! 

Also, *gives flowers* thanks to all others who reviewed [from chapters 5 downwards], namely: [**Windy Hurrice, CTFA, Aspara, ShiTiger, Chinoz, MissyIrene, Yoong**] (if you guys review more now I'll move your name up to the list above! ^__^)

So. One last thanks to you all, for reading, reviewing, and listening to me ramble. Hope you guys weren't dissapointed. 


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